Dear Single Ladies, 3 Traits to Look For in a Man

“He wants to live together first,” she said to me with hopeful optimism for the future.  She being my young 20 something co-worker who beamed when talking about her then boyfriend.   ”NOOOOOOO, don’t do it!” I was thinking, but didn’t say.  

I had good reason to keep silent: I was at work; no one in the room seemed to share my concern; and I interrupted a conversation that was already in progress.  For those reasons, I decided not to offer my 2 cents.  But I could have, because I knew information about her dating life that she was not privy to.  

She, like me, grew up without her father.  Which, in many cases, predisposes a woman to make poor choices in dating relationships.  In his book Always Daddy’s Girl, H. Norman Wright had the following to say about women, fathers and the men in their lives.

“Your father was the vehicle for introducing you to the opposite sex. How carefully you were taught about masculinity – both directly and indirectly- by your father, and how well you learned those lessons, will be evident in your interaction with the men in your personal and business life.  Your father has colored your perception of men and shaped your expectations of how men will or should behave toward you.”

So as I sat and listened to my all-goo-goo-eyed colleague talk about the man in her life (who was currently living with his mama) immediately, I saw Wright’s words.  The expectations she had for how he should treat her were low.  I am intimately acquainted with this place.

Far too often I’ve cozied up with compromise for the sake of not being alone. For this reason I wish I’d told my co-worker she didn’t have to settle. If I had been more courageous I would have said, “Wait on the mate God has for you.”

In saying that, I realize identifying God’s best may be like looking for a penny in dense swamp water.  If your father did not give you a proper lens through which to view men, it may be difficult to know what a healthy relationship looks like. 

 Read the Bible.  It is in God’s word that you discover who you are, who He is, and what should be or not be in your life.  The difficult truth is, if you don’t have an intimate relationship with God you are not ready for an intimate relationship with a man.

This is because the inner fortitude it takes to remain married when romance wanes and problems persist comes from God.  I encourage you to establish this relationship before you begin dating.  Allow God to guide the course of your romantic life and trust it will be better than the one you would create on your own. After your spiritual foundation is laid these are a few traits to look for.

Trait # 1:  He Loves God

 Honestly, I would argue this is the number one must have in a mate.  This is because God can communicate to him when you can’t.  

God unifies hearts, purifies motives and heals wounds in the life of a married couple. A man who loves God will lay the foundation for a fulfilling marriage that honors Him.  You want to be in a dating relationship with a man that gives God, His word, and His principles complete priority.

Trait # 2:  He Wants to Remain Abstinent Until Marriage

I recognize many single people are having premarital sex.  And at the risk of sounding like a delusional prude super glued to the stone ages I will say sex is best saved for marriage.  This perspective is not popular but it is God’s way.

Most recently, celebrity couple DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good Franklin talked about the benefits of waiting to have sex in their New York Times Best Selling book, “The Wait”.   DeVon said the following statements in the book.

“. . . until you know and love yourself, it’s hard to find anyone else to love you the way you deserve. The practice of waiting—choosing to wait for sex and denying instant gratification so that you can see clearly, make better decisions, and position yourself for blessings—is the key to finding not just happiness but spirit-deep fulfillment. We live in a culture addicted to the quick hook up, the miracle cure, and the overnight sensation. The Wait is the remedy for that addiction.”

Ladies, if you are with a man who does not ask,  pressure, or hint at having sex before he puts a ring on it, he may be a keeper.  You should not have to have sex with him to keep the relationship. 

Trait #3:  He Is Someone You Want To Follow

I can still remember the first date with my husband.  We sat across the table from each other at the Olive Garden sharing our hearts.  The waiter came and left multiple times before we ever ordered our food.  

I was intrigued by the plan that he had for his life and I wanted to be a part of it.  Is this the case for the man in your life?  If you fast track 5 or 10 years down the road will he still be the man you want to follow?  

If he is not, you may need to reevaluate your relationship.

I recognize you may be overwhelmed with an internal clock telling you to , “Hurry up and get married.”  If so, please take my advice; don’t rush, settle, or fret about who and when you will marry.  Use your singleness to become the type of person you would want to be in a relationship with and trust God to bring a man who possess the above traits and so much more.   

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