Pursuing Your Daddy When He Doesn’t Pursue You Back
Recently, a young reader asked me about contacting her father. She questioned whether it would be a good idea since she had never met him. Tucked within the subtext of her inquiry was the fear that reaching out to her dad could be more painful than not reaching at all.
I understood the apprehension in her email. Every woman with an absentee dad knows any attempt to connect with her father might result in rejection. No one wants to be ignored or dismissed, especially by her daddy.
As women, we live with an innate longing to be cherished by our fathers. We are wired to flourish in his praise. Even if the relationship is muddied with abandonment and painful memories, the desire to know and connect with our dad persists.
So we weigh the pros with the cons and evaluate whether to pursue a dad who isn’t pursuing us. Despite the potential to be brushed-off, I recommended she connect with her dad, but only after processing her pain first. Eighteen years ago I needed this same advice.
I was in college when a friend shared how she wrote a letter to her father. She penned all the major events he missed and invited him back into her life. “This is doable,” I thought.
So one day I sat at the computer and typed a two page letter giving the chronological rundown on everything from Elementary to High School. When I came home on holiday breaks I stole pictures from my mom’s photo albums and gave them to my father. I called him and initiated outings. I invited him over to the house. I visited, sent cards, prayed and believed. I did everything I could do.
The expectation was that my efforts would produce a made-for-TV father daughter relationship. With a little effort I could snap my fingers and poof, instant bonding; it didn’t work like that. We did begin a relationship but it was like meeting with a stranger over and over again.
I underestimated the barriers between my dad and I: time, culture, pain, fear, beliefs, mistrust, distance, expectations, and lifestyle choices, to name a few. Like swimming against the current, forging a relationship with my dad was difficult. I never anticipated that it would be.
I thought hard work would manifest the ideal father daughter relationship I longed for; it did not. What I failed to realize was my perspective needed to change. The impetus for pursuing my father had been centered around me.
My Needs
My Wants
My Expectations
My Ideals
My Hurt
Although the initial pursuit of my daddy seemed noble, I was motivated by selfish gain. And some might argue that I was justified in my all-about-me-state. After all, didn’t I deserve to be fathered, loved, and cherished?
The truth I had to embrace was, initiating a relationship with my daddy in hopes of receiving his love and affirmation was a risky and sometimes futile attempt.
When we obligate another person to fill our emotional bucket we set ourselves up for disappointment.
Pursuing a relationship with our fathers requires a commitment to love him whether he reciprocates our efforts or not. This is a mindshift, but I believe it is one we must have when initiating a relationship with our fathers. If you are considering this journey I have extracted 4 take aways from my own personal pursuit that may be helpful to you.
Start with God
Without Jesus Christ I would be tempted to slip back into a you-owe-me-mentality. When viewing my father daughter relationship through the lens of the cross I realize my father owes me nothing. The selfless sacrifice of Christ paid the debt for me and my dad.
Only He can empower us to love unconditionally. This is difficult but achievable.
Love looks, sounds and feels like God.
Forgive Your Father
If you are fantasizing about the day you can unload all of your painful baggage on your father’s doorstep you are probably harboring unforgiveness. That bitter root in you is like grease in a fire. It will spread covering everything in its path; your relationships, your vision, and your future. You must rid yourself of unforgiveness before pursuing your daddy. Unforgiveness lays a faulty foundation for any relationship.
Expect the Best, Prepare for the Worst
When a daughter walks into her father’s life for the first time she doesn’t know what to expect. For this reason I would recommend mentally walking yourself through several different scenarios.
What if my dad has another family?
What if he was there for his other children?
What if he is dead?
What if he is incarcerated?
What if he is on drugs?
What if he has a questionable past?
What if he isn’t’ interested in getting to know me?
What if he is embarrassed?
What if he doesn’t accept me?
These questions are tough to read and none of them may be true in your situation. However, I believe it is better to consider all possible outcomes.
Develop a Support System
Don’t do this alone. Ask your closest friends to pray for you (and me too). You may need a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold. Be vulnerable and allow your trusted friends to provide support for you.
I want to leave you with an encouragement if you feel like pursuing your daddy means no one is pursuing you. The truth is God has pursued you since your birth. He is wooing you through the people you meet, the blessings in life, the words of this blog post and in more ways than we know or or can imagine. He loves you infinitely and He is more than capable of loving you as you endeavor to love your dad.
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Great post! Great advice! These questions and concerns are also applicable to children who have been adopted at birth and as adults seek their birth father and birth mother. Wonderful words of wisdom here. Many blessings to you!
beth willis miller recently posted…trusting…move forward
I never thought of that category of fatherlessness Beth. I appreciate your insight. Often times we fantasize about the unknown as it relates to our fathers but those difficult questions help to bring a little dose of reality to our perspective. Thank you for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia
I have been blessed to have a dad who loves me and was present. I cannot imagine the deep pain it would bring to any person to have the void of father. This is a wonderful post, offering much wisdom in each suggestion. May God use it to help many.
Joanne Viola recently posted…Without Seeing
Joanne it is true that for many woman there is a deep pain resulting from the absence of a father. I have found however, that God is able to heal deep wounds and replace that void with the fullness found in Christ. I echo your prayer in wanting this post to reach every woman who needs it. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia
Thank you so much for this, Kia. I hate that your ministry is needed, but I’m so grateful that you provide it. As I was reading your words, it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard from my dad since July 4th. I struggle with whether or not to pursue a relationship with him now that I have children who could possibly be hurt in the mix. I know the pain I felt every time he broke a promise or didn’t show up or just left. I don’t want my kids to have a grandpa like that. It’s something I really struggle with. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and wisdom on this touchy (sometimes taboo) subject!
Kelsey Ferguson recently posted…Dear children, you ruined my plans.
Kelsey, I wish there wasn’t a need for this blog too. Every time I hear from another reader it truly breaks my heart. But it is for this reason that I write, because in the midst of tremendous pain THERE IS HOPE! I am convinced that God is able to fill the voids of the fatherless daughter. I also understand the difficulty of pursuing a relationship with your dad when you have children involved. I pray that God would give you wisdom to know what it looks like in your family. I also pray that God would give you courage to place boundaries in your relationship with your father so that you will be able to safe guard yourself and your children. Kelsey I will be praying for you and your family. Thanks being vulnerable and joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
What a beautiful post full of so much truth! I went through similar situation with my birth father. I have realized time after time that I need to be running to God because only HE can fulfill my needs and longings. So glad to have connected with you today!
Keri recently posted…{September Goals + Free Printable}
Keri I think all human beings are tempted at one time or another to get our needs met from another person but only God can sustain the weight of meeting our needs. Thank you for joining the conversation and being transparent. Be blessed! – Kia
Great post today Kia. Love it. There is so much pain from this and you bring up such wise questions. I am so glad that you are a mighty force of God who is speaking truth. Keep going! Joining you from Holly’s site today.
Thanks Kelly. I hope these questions will give women an opportunity to process all possible outcomes when pursuing their dads. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia
“There is great danger in placing the responsibility of our needs on anyone other than God.” Oh, YES! Thank you for this beautiful reminder today! #livefreeThursday
I have learned the hard way Crystal. This post is your reminder and mine too. Thanks for joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
Kia,
Thank you for tackling a tough subject head on. I didn’t have an absentee father, but I had one who was emotionally detached. I found that I projected a lot of his attributes onto God. This, then, affected my relationship with God. I believe that our relationship with our earthly fathers is a precursor to how we relate to our Heavenly Father. Over the years I have been blessed to come to know that my Heavenly Father is “all in” emotionally and has shown me a love that I never dreamed would be possible.
Bev Duncan @ Walking Well With God recently posted…Struggle With Pride? Who Me?
Bev I couldn’t agree with you more. I actually wrote a post entitled “How Fathers Impact Our View of God” http://www.fatherswap.com/2015/07/how-fathers-affect-our-view-of-god/ . I truly value your transparency in talking about your own father daughter experience. This blog is not just for women who have an abesentee dad but those whose father was in the home but emotionally absent. I am grateful to God that you have come to know the emotional availability of God and I pray all women will know it. Glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
Awesome message! I will be featuring you tomorrow at Women With Intention Wednesdays! 🙂
Jenny @ Women With Intention recently posted…5 Things I Love & Goals For The Week
Thanks Jenny! I am so honored that you have chosen to feature the Father Swap Blog. I truly hope it helps any woman that needs this message. Thank you for joining the conversation and be blessed! – Kia