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Why You Shouldn’t Give Him A Piece of Your Mind

As a woman obsessed  with happy endings, I held onto a fantasy father I was never destined to have.  He was an imaginary mix of TV dads from the 80s I wanted to magically manifest into my earthly father. It was foolish to expect my dad to be someone else, but I did for much of our relationship.

After years of distance, I thought reconnecting with him would be like making instant tea: just add water and voila. If I call, write, and pursue, eventually we will have the father daughter relationship I’ve longed for.  I was wrong.

It took many years and some counseling to process my unrealistic expectations.  As a part of that process, I had to learn to distinguish between a lie and the truth.

Lie:  If my dad does not meet my expectations he does not love me.
Truth:  Placing expectations on how my dad should love me can lead to disappointment.  I must look to God to meet my need to be loved.   

“And my God will meet all of your needs according to his riches in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

A few years ago my expectations became the root cause of an emotional meltdown experienced after calling my dad when he couldn’t talk.  “I’ll call you back.” is what he said, but “I won’t call at all,” is what I heard.   I felt rejected.  I had been here before.

Rage and hurt birthed a child named insanity in a matter of minutes.   And without countering my emotions with truth, I uttered those infamous words.  “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.”

“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”, a friend asked.  Her words should have been the red-flashing-lights I needed to press the breaks and re-evaluate my decision – but I charged ahead.  Irrate and overly delusional, I called my dad.  I said several words I wish I could take back.

“You did not call me yesterday because I checked my caller ID and there were no missed calls!”  “I did,” he calmly replied.  But my words dominated the conversation and left no room for his.  And I culminated my masterful soliloquy with a bold declaration, “ I will not be calling you anymore.”

Seriously, Kia?

In his strong thick accent, full of grace and humility, he responded,  “Ok, goodbye and I love you.”  We hung up the phone and I was smothered by silence.  “Wait, don’t go! I really didn’t mean it,”  I wanted to say – but didn’t.

And there I sat, miserable and crushed by the weight of the dial tone.  Then – by divine inspiration – I got the bright idea to check my voicemail messages.  There, sitting in my inbox was a missed call from my father the day before, “I called, but you weren’t there, I love you, dad”.

He had in fact called me the night before.  I had no grounds for using what seemed to be an appropriate use of the phrase “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.”  The frustration unleashed on my dad was undeserved .

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Proverbs 16:18 (NIV)

He could have responded in anger but he chose mercy.  Lovingly and with complete forgiveness my dad accepted the apology I gave  him – just minutes after I released the floodgates of unbridled emotions through his cell phone. “Oh, it’s okay, everyone gets upset. Just remember we are blood and I will always love you.” I was speechless.  (That’s saying a lot.) I gained a great deal of respect for my dad that day and  I laid my fantasy father to rest.

Why You Shouldn't Give Him a Piece of Your Mind Meme 3

These are the  tough lessons learned.

  1.  
  2.  Unrealistic expectations damage relationships.
  3. Always distinguish between a lie and the truth of God’s word.
  4. No matter what, honor thy father!

(Ask God what that looks like for your father daughter relationship.)

  1. Trust God to meet my needs.
  2. Apologize when I am wrong.
  3. Practice applying 1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 8.
Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .
  1. Be slow to speak.
  2. Check my visual voicemail messages and missed calls.
  3. Never use the phrase “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind” again.

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16 Comments

    1. Abi, thank you for your words. I hope you were able to glean a little something from my major mistake. Glad you joined the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  1. Oh my gosh, I have SO been there! I wrestle with putting unrealistic expectations on other people (for me it’s mostly my husband) and then letting things blow up in my mind when they don’t meet those expectations. I’m so glad your dad was able to respond with grace and you were able to write out and describe this story in a way people like me can relate to!

    Have a great rest of your week, Kia! Thanks for sharing!
    Lauren English recently posted…How To Break Your Marriage Conflict CycleMy Profile

    1. Lauren I’m so glad you were able to join the conversation. I think everyone struggles with unrealistic expectations (Don’t beat yourself up.) but they are such a cancer to our relationships. I pray both you and I will be able to counter the expectations we conjure up in our brain with the truth of God’s word. Be blessed! – Kia

    1. Things could have definitely gone in another direction, so grateful they didn’t. Both my heavenly father and my earthly father were merciful to me. Glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

    1. Brandi this is that truth but it is so difficult to learn. I generally get lessons like this the hard way. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

  2. Visiting from Women with Intention

    Such a great post, we all at one time or the other had unrealistic expectations, but I think we all just need to take a step back and realize the degree of what we expect from people and if it’s a realistic one or not. Were you able to re-connect with your father after that phone conversation?

    liz @ sundays with sophie

    http://www.sundayswithsophie.com/2015/06/the-story-of-us.html
    Liz Joiner recently posted…the story of usMy Profile

    1. Liz, we were able to connect after I scraped that last bit of my face off the floor. Pride truly does come before a fall. So glad God covered me. Thanks for joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

  3. What a good word, Kia!

    How easy it is to tear into our Dads and tell them exactly what we think!

    Your post is a wonderful reminder to take a deep breath and try to show them respect and honor!

    Thanks for sharing. I came over on the Works for Me Wednesday link up. Glad to find your site~
    Blessings,
    Melanie

    1. Yes Melanie may we take a pause and think before we speak. The Bible commands honor with no caveat. Thanks for your feedback. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

    1. Jen, I am working on debunking my lies with truth daily. Your description of feelings is being “fickle” is so spot on: up today and down tomorrow. I am glad you joined the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

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