7 Reasons Why a Sex Act Won’t Soothe a Love Ache: Part II

7 Reasons Why a Sex Act Won’t Soothe a Love Ache: Part: I

The world watched in disbelief as Iyanla Vanzant interviewed the father of 34 children with 17 different women.  I too was saddened but not surprised. Men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love.  I am not sure who said this statement first but it’s painful truth was supported by the behaviors of the mothers.

In one episode we learned that three of the women were pregnant at the same time.  These mothers were beautiful and intelligent, yet they made poor choices regarding the most intimate gift a woman can give a man. I am convinced their behaviors were governed not by the act but the love they craved. Painfully, these women found out a sex act won’t soothe a love ache.

Reason 2:  Feelings Often Camouflage as Truth

One glance, touch, or word from the opposite sex is enough to create a flurry of activity in our bodies.  Signals race, temperatures rise, hormones are released, and we are led like sheep to the slaughter by our emotions.  Although God made us to feel, our feelings do not always represent truth.

In fact, emotions can deceive us with convincing rationale. “This feels right!”  “He’s the one.”  “You deserve to be happy!”  “This one is different.” And so boy meets girl and the two experience what Andy Stanley calls “chemistry”, in part 1 of The New Rules of Love Sex and Dating.

The conversation is great. You can talk for hours.  He makes you laugh and you have so much in common.  The natural progression is a sexual relationship. Right?

Passion and ecstasy replace common sense and for a moment, emotional deception clouds sound judgment.  But when the cloud lifts and the light of clarity shines through we are left with the offspring of our deceit: disappointment, regret, shame, and guilt.  I too have birthed these unwanted children many times over.  Women who grow up without the love and affirmation of their fathers are susceptible to finding themselves in physical relationships prior to marriage.  This reality was explored by  Dr. James Dobson, in his book Bringing Up Girls.

“They (girls and women) are at maximal risk today.  They are tender and more easily wounded than their brothers.  And politically correct or not, I maintain that their inherent emotional nature makes them more easily manipulated.  A longing for love and connectedness lies deep within their feminine souls.  This is why they open themselves without commitment to guys who might, given a miracle give them the affirmation they crave.  They don’t seem to get much pleasure out of the perverse acts they perform.  They are hoping against hope that some adolescent boy” (or man) “out there will fill the void and ease the ache inside.  And increasingly, those unmet needs are created by something missing in the girls’ relationships with their mothers and /or fathers.  Usually it is the father!”

But we are not subject to our emotions.  In the intensity of the moment our emotions must submit to our minds.  We control them and not the reverse.  The only way to distinguish the lies from the truth in our emotions is to rely on the author of truth.  “If you continue in my word, then you are truly disciples of mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free.”  John 8:31 – 32 (NIV) Though difficult, it is possible to override the potency of our emotions if we are willing to ask a few critical questions and respond with gut-level honesty.

If sex was extracted from (the non-marital) relationship would it survive?   

If you asked him to wait till marriage would he? If no, why not?

In the absence of “chemistry” what is the foundation of the relationship?

I am not a coach, counselor or expert but I am a woman who has mistaken feelings for truth more times than I’d like to admit.  In my opinion, the above questions should be answered by every unmarried woman in a sexual relationship.  If it is love, he will wait,  but if the reverse is true the relationship is most likely worth losing.

Reason 3:  Sex is Not Love     

Growing up, I have struggled to know what love from the opposite sex should look like.  In my naivety the Bible has become my Love for Dummies guide.  On this journey I have discovered four types of love.

Agape is selfless, sacrificial and unconditional love.

Eros is the physical sensual love between a husband and a wife.

Philia is close friendship or brotherly love.

Storge is the family love, the bond among mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers.

A committed marital relationship should have all four types of love and a dating relationship should have three out of four. Sex outside of marriage, no matter how great the “chemistry”, is not the eros kind of love.  Thus reducing that mountaintop feeling to lust.

There have been many times I thought I was in love, but when I measured those relationships against the love in the Bible I realized what drove many of them was not love at all.  And like the 17 mothers, the question becomes if it wasn’t love why would I stay?  The unsettling truth is, at the time, I did not believe I was worthy of love so I settled, afraid that I’d lose the substitute if I raised my standard for the real.

But that fear did not come from God.  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)  So I let go of my substitutes believing God was more than capable of providing me with the real thing.  I had to learn to allow his word to be the  barometer for relationships with men

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.”  1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 7 (NIV)

Love desires to give and not get, wait and not rush, and sacrifice rather than indulge.  Love looks, sounds, and feels like God.  As His daughter this is the example He gave and the standard He has set for our male female relationships.  If your standard is beneath His; raise it.  You are worth more than a love substitute.

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